A Wussy Witch

That is to say, the journey that I must take but am afraid to begin.  Let's just say it's like free-falling, which is no doubt great fun but first you have to take that one step out into er...nothing!

Having lost my previous BOS, I thought I would try and do it this way...then I can at least hang on to links and other stuff that might in future NOT cause me so much grief when technology has a great big hiccup!  When something you have relied upon for so many years suddenly breathes its last and goes into meltdown, taking years of memories, research, spells, potions and random other stuff with it, it can only be a sign.   This may all have been meant and, in fairness, things in my life could do with a damn good shakeup - so, perhaps it was a harsh wake up call.  Nevertheless, I have lost a good and dear friend.

So, the question now is...where do I begin this new journey?  Well, with so many things having gone wrong in my life over the last several years, I can only believe that this new beginning is going to have to start with removing negative energies that have pervaded my life over the same period.  Having neglected my spiritual side over the same amount of years, where before I was a more confident practitioner, now - with an allegedly older and wiser head, I just find myself afraid to start again.  Yet, start I must for the calling is strong and, ultimately that's what I'm afraid of...the power!

I genuinely believe that power corrupts etc., so I know I'm right to be afraid of it.  Yet, I must have controlled it somehow previously but I cannot for the life of me remember how I did it.  At the moment I feel that I am like a bubbling cauldron, seething with energy that needs some serious direction.  I should use it against the negative energies but, as I have lost my BOS, I thought I would do some searching on the Internet and in my library. 

This I did and, I am now more befuddled than ever.  So far, admittedly I have only surfed but am I alone in thinking that the information available on websites is somewhat less than it could be?  No, no, not perhaps less than it could be but less well informed than it should be.  There are plenty of websites showing how to cast circles and spells and an over-abundance of shops claiming genuine artifacts etc., ad nauseum but where some may be genuine, I suspect rather a lot are charlatans.  There is much conflicting information and history and, as a historian, that winds me up!  Ah but wait a minute, is that perhaps my problem?

Is it that I have researched so much about magick, that I now have a greater respect for it?  I am effectively in awe of it.  There is no doubt in my mind that this is how it should be but have I perhaps gone too far?  If I were to be presumptious enough to label myself then I would be a hedgewitch but according to the writings of Amado Crowley, I am also a Seeker, which explains rather a lot!  Can I not be both? 

A few sites I visited stated quite baldly that hedgewitches are rarely Wiccans - why not?  I fear that the word Wicca has undergone some sort of translation loss between here and the other side of the pond.  What was it Churchill said?  'Two nations divided by a common language'.  I've probably paraphrased that abominably so many apologies!  It seems to me that the Americans use Wicca as a generic term, much as we use the word pagan.  Yet, most people know that Wicca is an Anglo-Saxon word simply meaning 'wise'.  Wicca underwent some sort of strange epiphany during the sixties with the advent of Gardner and the emergence of Gardnerian Wicca, a man who had previously studied with The Golden Dawn and Aleister Crowley.  However, Wicca really did exist before the 60's, honest!  The only thing that really baffles me about Gardnerian Wicca is the whole sky-clad thingy...after all, if a spell isn't powerful enough to get through your clothes then...???  Of course, that is only my personal opinion and some people might see it as a shedding of the external influences but...it would affect me adversely, not being in possession of a body like Shakira.  If I did, I might give it a try   Ah well, underneath our clothes we're all naked!!

My partner follows the path of the Celtic Shaman but we have both somehow lost our way.  Outside influences and financial problems have taken their toll but the one really truly amazingly magickal thing is, that despite all the ills and ailments and the 'slings and arrows of outrageous fortune' we are still together and going from strength to strength.  Now that's magick!

Magick is what drew us both together initially yet in all the time we have been together we have never performed a ritual together - we have never found one - yes, okay, we have never really looked that hard - but the time has come where if we do not combine, I feel the negative energy will never truly lie down and die!  It is probably fair to say that much of the negative energy around us has been self-created and so it is going to take our combined efforts to shift it.  I think that is a reasonable conclusion.

We both continue to perform small magicks, like kitchen alchemy and well, you know the one, she says blushing furiously but, I believe that our individual creativity is suffering.  I have not made candles for a year and I haven't picked up my glass paintings in over four months.  I haven't made a tapestry in over three years!  Mind you that's largely because I haven't yet found a way of transferring the designs I like onto the weave but I do keep looking.  I have made cursory, half-hearted inroads into my book which will no doubt be edited out the minute I am brave enough to go over it again - ah and with that thought comes the realisation that that too is lost in the techno world that is a melted bios system.  Thirteen and a half chapters of verbosity, lost in the ether, never to be found...I would like at this point, to get very, very angry over it but feel that this is just more fuel to the negative fires - mind you, I shall probably cry myself to sleep tonight.  They will have to be content with sadness instead.

I feel that what is bubbling in my body-cauldron is the desire to get angry over many things and we all know that performing any magick in a less than tranquil state is a BAD MOVE!  Clarity is needed and not befuddlement, however benign that befuddlement is.  Perhaps I should start with a cleansing scream in a wood somewhere but I feel sorry for the wildlife.  Maybe I should start the cleansing ritual with myself before I even try and tackle energies fuelled by myself er...by myself if you know what I mean?

I do feel that some of the goddess' strength would not go amiss but I also feel that if I tentatively open that channel then it's going to hit me like a ball and chain backed by 120 ton of machinery.  Then I might end up attacking things like a whirling dervish.  It might well be that that is what it will take but somehow, I suspect not.

They say in magick that when the pupil is ready the teacher will appear, perhaps I will find one here.  In any event, to those who have read this far, especially those who have not once thought 'wuss' whilst reading, I thank you.